Dodgy Pictures, Lists of Demands & Badly Written Profiles – What *Women* are Doing Wrong Online

This article was first published on the Sweetness and Life blog.

Going back into the dating game after a long relationship feels like being released from captivity.

Suddenly I find myself in a bewildering, mystifying world; one which didn’t even exist when I was last on the ‘outside’.

A world of apps and swiping and chemistry tests and strange selfies.

I’ve been staggering along in the dark, grasping for the light switch, managing to see a little more with each tentative step.

And if I could say one thing to the ladies on these sites it would be this: please relax.

Now, I’ve heard there are a fair few oddballs and nasties on the male side. Men who post naked selfies and close ups of their todgers; men who lie about their age and even identity; men whose best friends are apparently their pets or cars; men who are just after a quick shag (shock news: there are a few women like this too); and, less humorously, men eager to make derogatory comments about someone’s weight or appearance.

But, come on: is this really the rule rather than the exception?

And does it warrant the sea of negativity and even hostility us men have to encounter as soon as we’ve logged on?

Let’s start with the profiles.

I’ve lost count of the number starting with ‘are there any decent men out there any more’, ‘so many weirdos’, ‘anyone normal?’ You get the gist.

That’s hardly a great start to any conversation and it makes you wonder, why the hell are you bothering in the first place? Now, I could be wrong, but I can’t imagine so many men begin their profiles in this way.

Then there are the shopping lists: must be at least 6”2, ripped, funny, strong, kind, sensitive, earn £80k plus, have good grammar and punctuation (often spelling grammar and punctuation incorrectly).

If you post something like that, you’d better sure as hell be perfect yourself.

I know it can be good to know what you want, especially based on the knowledge and experience gleaned from previous relationships – and, as we get older, none of us want to waste time with the wrong person - but whatever happened to spontaneity, open-mindedness and being surprised by the things life can sometimes throw up?

In fact, isn't this what makes life worth living?

Then you get the don'ts: must not be boring, over-confident, a player, clingy etc etc. Followed by the common “if you’re only going to message me ‘hi, how are you,’ I will not reply.” Charming.

So add ‘must have the wit of Stephen Fry’ to that shopping list above (presumably along with, ‘must have the body of Steven Gerrard’).

Because I’ve got something else to tell you ladies – a lot of your profiles aren’t that original or creative either.

Almost every one states you are ‘easy going’, which, sorry, is not number one on the list of traits I associate with the fairer sex.

Other favourites are ‘my kids are my world,’ ‘love a night curled up on the sofa as much as a night out clubbing,’ ‘love going to the gym,’ and ‘I’m only on here to have a look.’

And let’s talk about your profile pictures.

What’s with that weird trout pout, the one where you purse your lips while aiming your chin down to your neck?

I’ve seen lots of other strange choices of profile pic, including wedding photos, photos with kids and, strangest of all, just pictures of kids. Swipe right to that and you might be getting a knock on the door from Operation Yew Tree.

What’s struck me above all is what a callous world this can be.

If you approach a girl in a bar – even if you look like Quasimodo (be kind) – the chances are a witty one liner will still at least elicit a response.

Not so in the world of online dating. If someone doesn’t like the look of you, even a Wildean remark will be met with the cold shoulder.

I’ve done this as well and it feels rude and wrong.

And if you do clear that initial hurdle of initiating a conversation, the shopping list scenario might again present itself.

A true example:

Me: Hi, how are you? (boring, granted)

Them: Fine thanks. Can you tell me: what you want from a relationship; whether you want kids; how you would bring up your kids; what you do in your spare time; what your career aspirations are?

Me: Can I come back to you in a few months while I work this out for myself?

If conversation does continue, you often then go off into the netherworlds of WhatsApp and Snapchat.

Or, for the older among us, texting - or even a real-life conversation.

It’s a wonder you ever get out on that first date… and there’s a whole new article to write about that.

The decline of a legend: Mitchell's memories of Lomu

John Mitchell remembers Jonah Lomu sitting forlornly in the All Blacks dressing room in Wellington following a game against Fiji in June 2002.

They had won the match convincingly, but Lomu had again performed poorly and coach Mitchell was unable to pinpoint why.

"An unknown winger had gone around Jonah very easily in the game to score," Mitchell, 51, told me.

"And I can still picture him sitting there in the changing room afterwards, looking bewildered. He was a shadow of his former self and we were at a loss to explain why.

"Afterwards I had to sit down with him and his manager and explain that he was not meeting the performances expected. It was very tough to do that.

"As an All Black, you have to meet incredibly high levels of performance, regardless of your reputation or how much I like you as the coach. And I really did like Jonah."

The reasons for the decline became clearer in 2003, when Lomu was diagnosed with a rare kidney disorder called nephrotic syndrome.

He had a transplant in 2004, but the complaint continued to dog him for the rest of his life, heavily contributing to his death on Tuesday at the age of just 40.

The warning signs had been there during a 2002 training camp in Coromandel, just a short time before that Fiji game.

"Jonah was really struggling with the anaerobic work we were doing," recalls Mitchell, who was All Blacks coach from 2001 to 2003.

"The data was telling us he was degenerating and we didn't know why. I don’t know if we were ever told the whole truth about it."

The winger managed to get into the All Blacks squad for the Autumn 2002 tour to the UK, but these games were to prove his last in an All Blacks jersey.

He came off at half time in the win over Wales in Cardiff after complaining of double vision and was taken to hospital.

"It was distressing to see this 180kg winger lying on a bed with lots of wires coming out of him," says Mitchell, who now runs a manufacturing business in South Africa.

"If I'm honest, I knew then that this was the end of his All Blacks career."

Mitchell's defining memory of Lomu is of the rampaging, unstoppable teenager he faced in the All Blacks trial in Napier in 1994 though.

The number eight had recently won his first cap, making him the 940th All Black. Lomu was soon to become the 941st, at just 19 years and 45 days of age, making him the youngest All Black in history.

"I remember sitting in a small aeroplane with him going to Napier for that probables v possibles match," Mitchell adds.

"He was a very quiet and unassuming young man, but when he got out of his seat after we landed I thought, 'wow, he's massive'.

"And in the game he was almost unstoppable, he really was. His pace, allied to his size and power, was just unbelievable. He also had soft hands and a lovely balance.

"They named the team after that game and Jonah was in, which was quite something at his age. We all went to the pub afterwards and I can remember going over to him to congratulate him and wish him luck.

"He was very humble and respectful. Who would have known at that stage that he was going to be the star of the World Cup the following year?

"The coach, Laurie Mains, drove him to become even better physically and mentally within the space of just a year. And I don’t think we will see anyone like him again.

"He transcended the sport. He was phenomenal."

Leeds Fans United proposed takeover

I know this is emotional ground, because a lot of Leeds United followers would love to see the club fan owned.

I'm an advocate of fan ownership and there seem to be few clubs where this would be more appropriate than Leeds United, who have a massive, passionate fanbase and a recent history of poor ownership.

I don't have any agenda or allegiance here, although a few will inevitably say otherwise. I've spoken to Dylan Thwaites previously and he seemed a decent man with good intentions.

However, I am cynical, as some have accused me of being on Twitter. I think journalists have to be.

On Friday, LFU announced it had reached an agreement in principle to buy Massimo Cellino's majority stake in the club. This followed a meeting between the Italian and LFU's Sharon Reid, though not with Thwaites as I understand it.

Cellino was feeling brittle and emotional following the reaction he had received from the home fans at Elland Road during the 2-0 defeat by Blackburn Rovers on Thursday night.

The level of vitriol shocked him and he decided overnight that he would be willing to sell. He feared for his safety; his wife, who had moved to a rented house in Belgravia in London, did not want to return; and Cellino was beginning to have serious doubts about his ability to deliver success.

So this was the background to the meeting. And Cellino's response to LFU was basically "if you can pay me the money then I will sell to you."

He didn't see this as being so strong as an agreement in principle, but I guess this depends on semantics. And he was surprised when LFU came out all guns blazing in the press, I'm told.

LFU are aware that there are other parties who are actively interested in buying the club and they want to ward them off, before committing money to a potentially losing cause or being used as a pawn, hence they want a legally binding exclusivity agreement in writing.

This would mean that Cellino could not negotiate with other parties during a certain period of time. My understanding is that the Italian is not willing to do that, but let's wait and see.

If you were him, would you sign such an agreement, potentially kiboshing a sale to another party?

LFU seem to have been a little hasty with their announcement, though perhaps they hoped it would really get the ball rolling and bring other investors on board.

They admit £500,000 has been pledged so far and that several "high net worth individuals" have shown an interest. They are also talking to institutional investors.

So this is very much a fundraising stage, hardly a "poised to go".

Thwaites also talked about using a "debt deferral system" to raise cash, so that loans could be paid back with interest "when we get in the Premier League".

Now, Leeds fans must be tired of hearing that presumption after it has been espoused by a procession of owners, including Cellino. "When we get in the Premier League": unfortunately easier said than done.

Thwaites says Leeds' value, in terms of equity, as stated at Companies House, is £30million. But the playing squad needs revamping and the club doesn't own its own stadium or training ground.

There are also other outstanding debts, running costs and a whole host of potentially expensive legal cases in process.

Thwaites believes LFU could "probably" complete the takeover within three months. And we will have to hope so.

Because Sam Byram is out of contract in the summer and I'm told the one real jewel in the playing squad, Lewis Cook, has a clause in his contract stating he can leave if the club is not promoted this season, which, let's face it, is not going to happen.

The mood Cellino is in at the moment, he doesn't want to invest any more of his own money in the club. He's hurt and has decided he wants out, at the right price.

There is a worrying potential for decline. So let's hope something positive does happen in the coming months.

Rosler responds to Leeds sacking

This morning I went to see Uwe Rosler at his home outside Stockport following his shock sacking by Leeds United.

The German explained he wasn't able to say much because of "legal matters", presumably relating to his severance deal with the club.

However, he did tell me: "I didn't see that (the sack) coming at all.

"I always had a good relationship with the owner and he had talked about wanting to build."

And it's true that little more than two weeks ago, Massimo Cellino had said Rosler was the perfect manager for him and that he would appoint him again given the opportunity.

Yet he pulled the trigger following the last-gasp 2-1 home defeat by Brighton on Saturday.

Now, it seems a truism that the best route to success in football is stability. That's not always the case, as Watford showed last season, changing manager several times yet still being promoted to the Premier League.

What you DO need, however - and what Watford did have - is continuity of culture and philosophy from the top of the club.

So what is the footballing culture and philosophy of Leeds United under Massimo Cellino?

The Italian has had six managers in 18 months of ownership, each with a completely different style of football and man-management. He has also had several different chief executives.

Last summer, most of the signings came from the Italian second division and in came a managerial novice with (we were told) great coaching ability, Dave Hockaday.

Hockaday quickly came and went and in came a foreign coach, Darko Milanic. He was deemed too defensive. Following a highly successful stint as caretaker and, perhaps, a lack of other choices, Cellino went for the homegrown option in Neil Redfearn.

And that (to me, anyway) seemed a good fit. Redfearn knew Leeds United inside out and had brought through the likes of Sam Byram, Lewis Cook and Alex Mowatt at the club's academy.

And he did well. Until Cellino took away his assistant, Steve Thompson, for reasons which are still not clear even now. Thompson, currently assistant to Simon Grayson at Preston North End, has not been given a clear reason for his suspension and has decided to move on and get on with his job at North End.

Then, of course, there were the 'sicknote six', who, at the very least, thought they could pull out of a game against Charlton for questionable reasons without facing censure from the club.

In the summer, Redfearn's contract as head coach was not renewed and he decided to move on.

From my conversations with Cellino, it became clear the Italian had been frustrated that Redfearn had not been talking to him enough or heeding enough of his advice. "Why doesn't he call me?" he said.

Onto Rosler, an experienced and capable coach.

The recruitment in the summer was decent, with the emphasis on players with knowledge of the Championship, and there have been some promising performances. Results have been poor though, meaning Steve Evans, a combustible character who has plied his trade at unfashionable clubs, is now in the hotseat.

Six managers under Cellino - Brian McDermott, Hockaday, Milanic, Redfearn, Rosler and now Evans - each with a completely different style of management and a completely different style of football.

One is left feeling desperately sorry for the likes of Cook and Byram. Any young player needs developing and needs consistency of message and coaching.

That can often be the difference between a player reaching his full potential and being an also ran. Any player will tell you that. What might Byram have achieved had he been under the tutelage of Roberto Martinez at Everton instead of six different managers in 18 months at Leeds?

And did it help Rosler - or the player - when Cellino came out in the press and slated him for not signing a new contract, one which had been offered on worse terms than he is currently on?

And, of course, one is left feeling desperately sorry for the fans: again caught up on the whim of a capricious owner. It feels like groundhog day. There was stability with Adam Pearson and Rosler, just like there was stability with Matt Child and Redfearn last season, and now, again, there is none. And so the cycle goes on.

Always someone else's fault and always better days ahead. Only it never quite works out like that.

Steve Head sacked after a few days by Cellino

I've been a bit confused about the case of Steve Head, as I'm sure you have.

Different agents told me they had held talks with Head in his capacity as the new head of recruitment for Leeds United.

Head - who had a similar role with Norwich City and who is highly regarded in the game following spells with Fulham and even England - was brought to the club by new executive director Adam Pearson.

He signed a contract on Friday and Pearson was delighted to have got him on board, another piece in the jigsaw he is assembling at Elland Road.

All that was now required was the signature of Massimo Cellino. And perhaps you can guess where this is going.

On Tuesday, Cellino asked where Head was, only to be informed he had gone on holiday, a holiday which had been booked several months earlier, before Leeds United were ever on the scene.

The Italian was furious, saying he should be working for Leeds United, not on holiday. And he tore the contract up.

So that was that. Head basically lasted five days in the job, if you can call it that.

Another day at Leeds United: Cook, leaked lists and bung allegations

Forget the General Election - Thursday was another calamitous and chaotic evening at Elland Road.

First came news of a 'summer transfer list' Neil Redfearn had submitted to Massimo Cellino.

What immediately struck me was that these were exactly the types of players Cellino would NOT want. They were almost exclusively veterans likely to command big wages.

The Italian has spent the last year getting RID of exactly that type of player at Elland Road and has always been clear he wants to focus on young players of promise.

Two of the bright spots of the last year - perhaps the only bright spots - have been a reduction in the overall wage bill and the emergence of a young core to the team, largely facilitated by the exodus of old timers.

So the list, including Charlie Adam, Joey Barton, Jason Shackell, Tom Ince and Matt Phillips was so unlikely to be sanctioned by Cellino that it made you wonder who had released it and why.

After some investigating, I found out that some of the names were on a list given by Redfearn to Cellino in January, and others weren't.

On another note (or list), Cellino has spoken privately about Redfearn giving him the names of players he wanted to offload earlier in the season. The Italian said he was shocked by the names, which he refused to disclose.

Anyway, this was all merely an aperitif, because the main action of the evening was still to come.

First of all, the BBC's Adam Pope reported receiving a text from Cellino at 9.14pm, telling him "we have just signed the Cook contract".

It turned out there was the still not inconsiderable hurdle of Lewis Cook himself having to sign the contract to overcome. And the contract extension was for just one more year, not the three that Cellino had previously promised.

And the thought arose: is there any other club that would release news of a contract renewal for a key player (which had not yet been signed by the player himself) via a text from the owner to a reporter? I can't think of one if there is.

An hour later, there was another story, making it apparent that Cellino's text was a desperate attempt to release good news to overshadow the bad. Fat chance of that though, because the bad news was nuclear.

It came via the well-respected football journalist David Anderson, from the Daily Mirror.

Anderson reported that not only was Cellino being investigated by the Football Association for alleged third-party ownership of the player Adryan, which we knew about, but also for an alleged six-figure transfer bung paid during the sale of striker Ross McCormack to Fulham last summer.

Anderson said he had seen documents which appeared to show that Cellino had signed off a payment of £185,000 to football agent Derek Day, collected on behalf of McCormack's adviser, Barry Hughes.

When asked for a response, Cellino replied: "Everything I done. For me was clear I had the club consultant and my accountants. I don't know many people in England, if I did something wrong I didn't do it on purpose."

It was hardly a denial and it really doesn't bode well for the club. As we all know, saying you didn't do something on purpose isn't a defence to most offences.

And again: would any other club release a response to such a serious allegation via a text from the owner, which was barely even legible? Wouldn't other clubs produce a considered response via official channels?

As I write this update, at 10.20am on Friday morning, there has been no further response from the club. Perhaps that isn't surprising, because they don't have a chief executive or a head of communications.

Graham Bean, who was acting as a consultant for the club at the time of both the McCormack and Adryan transfers, was reported by the Mirror as saying: "Mr Cellino was the club signatory at all times and he agreed all payments relating to Ross McCormack's transfer."

Yesterday, when I said this club lurches from calamity to calamity on a weekly basis, people pointed out that I was wrong - that in fact this happens on at least a daily basis.

And I think they were right.

Cellino returns

We're now more than a year into Massimo Cellino's reign at Leeds United, and it's hard to make a case that the club is in a better place than when he arrived.

When I spoke to the Italian on Sunday, on the day his ban expired, he told me: "Compared to last summer, it is completely different. In terms of the cost, the number of players. From that I am quite happy."

Yet he sounded a little forlorn and also admitted to being worried about going into Elland Road the following day: because of what he might encounter and because of the amount of work he would have to do.

Yesterday we found out that workload had increased even more - the Football Association is investigating the transfer of Brazilian Adryan last summer and a possible issue of third-party ownership.

Cellino said he was meeting FA officials about the issue today (Thursday) but insisted there was no case for him to answer and that everything had been above board.

Most would agree that the little playmaker hasn't been worth the trouble, struggling to adjust to the demands of the English game and barely featuring since Christmas.

Add this to the Cameron Stewart case; to the legal cases still looming over Cellino in Italy; to the fact he hasn't bought the ground or training ground, as promised; that the club is desperately short of both coaching and administrative staff; to the fact pre-season still hasn't been organised; to the fact there isn't a head coach in place for next season - and you get the picture of a club in disarray.

Cellino said he was disappointed about the way things had been run during his three-month absence.

“Nothing has been sorted out and instead there is just shit," he told me.

“When I left, everyone was looking after their own skin rather than what was good for the club.

“Everything needs sorting out for next season – the sponsors, ground, lights, even pre-season.

“They told me we were booked for the pre-season. Then I find out the Liverpool under-17s are booked at the same place and there is only one training pitch. Amateurs.

“We also need a head of press, a head of the academy, a sporting director, a club secretary.

“This is unbelievable and quite scary. Andrew Umbers is a nice man, but this is hopeless.”

Cellino will now become chairman/ president, with Umbers stepping down as chairman but remaining on the board. This is a little bit of a comedown, because he had told people the chairmanship was his permanently.

At least with the Italian back in situ, we can expect more information about the way the club is being run, whether people like it, or choose to believe it.

In his absence, there was an unfortunate attempt to spin.

We were told that the 'sicknote six' had all been injured and that the board had been kept fully aware of the situation. There were holes in this explanation and it undermined head coach Neil Redfearn.

We were told that the head coach had never actually been told he couldn't pick Mirco Antenucci and that he was free to select who he wanted. Again, this was flawed.

And an email was sent to staff warning them of the consequences should they leak information. At the end of the day, this was just hurting the fans, who are far better informed than the hierarchy might give them credit for.

Cellino actually argued everyone focusses on Umbers too much though, because his role had essentially been as a figurehead in his absence and that he didn't wield the authority or importance people bestowed upon him.

So what about Redfearn? The question on everyone's lips.

“I am in love with Neil and I don’t want to talk to anyone else about the job,” Cellino said.

“I have always believed in him and I gave him his big chance.

“I made sure he had a clause guaranteeing he would pick the team because I don’t want a coach I control.

“If my coach is working in the right direction I will treat him better than anyone else in the world.

“I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I don’t want to have this.

“But I need to decide whether Neil is best for the club and can lead us back to the Premier League."

It looks like sporting director Nicola Salerno will go, because Cellino wants to focus on English players.

And, interestingly, an olive branch has been held out to former assistant Steve Thompson, who was suspended without explanation last month.

Both Cellino and Umbers have phoned him and he was invited to the club's end of season awards dinner last weekend.

Perhaps understandably, Thompson declined the invitation. The League Manager's Association is advising him about his suspension and he's not happy about the way he was treated. Expect to hear more on that.

But you won't need me to tell you that. This does seem to be a club that lurches from crisis to crisis, mishap to mishap, almost on a weekly basis.